Your Words: SYL Participants Talk
Want to share how SYL impacted your life?
Send an email to shapeyourlife2010@gmail.com and provide us with your feedback, stories and testimonials – tell us what you liked about the program, what you want to see improved and what ever else you would like to share about your experiences.
Be sure to let us know if you want your story posted on this site – send us your thoughts, feedback, poems, stories, or anything you would like to share. Also, let us know if you want to use your initials, your boxing name or just be anonymous.
The following contribution is from a SYL Boxer: [posted April 20, 2010]
I walked into the gym, stepping into the familiar wall of fear that has become so much a part of my life these days. I took a few breaths, and looked around at the ring, the bags – a boxing gym was the last place I expected to find myself. I couldn’t imagine that I could fit into this world. Right away, Sonnja introduced herself, and if she saw the fear in me, she didn’t hesitate to welcome me. Savoy showed me around and pointed at the article on the wall of a SYL participant who went on to fight at the nationals. I got tears in my eyes. I felt inspired.
I am an incest survivor. I am 48 years old. I am the youngest of 7 children. Maybe you’d expect that with 5 older brothers I’d learn to defend myself. But it was the opposite. I learned to be afraid of boys and men. I’ve been scared for most of my life, and I hid this deep inside, even from myself. In the past 2 years I have recovered memories of child sexual abuse, and now understand that incidents of abuse as a child, teen and young adult continued the patterns of victimization started early on.
During the past 8 months I have been unable to work. Most of the time I feel powerless. I cry a lot, get flashbacks, am afraid to leave the house, and easily get overwhelmed with anxiety. Sometimes I’m just tired of all this and don’t want to keep on living. My life feels full of “I can’t do it” – social activities, returning to work, participating in society, or having a normal life.
I have attended many individual and group programs for trauma survivors. Although they are helpful, Shape Your Life is completely different. Its only in this program that I feel transformed in each week, I feel my power, and I want more. Each week invariably I am scared to go into the gym. Its hard to imagine putting effort into anything when I feel bad about myself most of the time. But then each week within 5 minutes I start sweating, feeling the energy of the women around me and the excitement returns. I like to hit the bags. It makes me feel strong. My energy gets turned outwards instead of turning inwards against myself. Time seems to stop for the next 2 hours, and then at the end, well, I just don’t want to go home.
Each week, I get to try new things at my own pace. And I get to watch Savoy’s down to earth style as she explains boxing concepts with everyday stories which make me laugh and are easy to understand. I see her scanning the room, making sure that all of are engaged, having fun and feeling comfortable as we learn. This week she seemed to spontaneously throw in an exercise to challenge us not to say sorry, which of course I always do. When I watch her teaching, I feel like we’re all welcome here, that each of us is strong. That each of us has value. I need this desperately, cuz most of the time I feel so broken by life.
This week after class, things felt different. I stood in line at the bank without intense anxiety for the first time in months. I took my 11 year old great-nephew to a highly stimulating video arcade. We entered a darkened maze, shooting laser beams at each other. Then we played in a multi-level room with climbing apparatus running around throwing sponge balls at each other. I have have never done this before. Normally I cry, get scared and shake with minimal stimulation. But instead, I laughed, I had fun. It makes me feel whole.
Feeling powerful is healing. It helps me see that even though I have experienced trauma, I can learn new things, I am a capable person, that I can set goals and participate. I am beginning to have hope for my future.
Thank you for this program. I can imagine a day when it could be available to girls who have been sexually or physically assaulted, to women who are psychiatric survivors, and to disabled people, who dream of the paralympics. We all deserve to feel our power.
Submitted by: J
